Sad news

We just found out that my SIL was diagnosed with Statge II uterine cancer. For now the only thing we do is just wait and see. It sucks. She has been bleeding since June. It sucks that she has been suffering for so long. I have been clueless to all that has been happening to her and I feel awful. Fred's family is usually open too. I am sure everyone knew about it but us. I hope she doesn't think we didn't care. I am sure she thought we knew because she told her mom.

She will get a hysterectomy, her cervix and ovaries removed. I don't know what to think. I know that there was one point in her life when she wanted children. She really never settled down with anyone. I feel guilty for being so healthy and having one child, another one on the way. I never know what to say either. I know that she is scared. I know that she believes in God so at least she has her faith.

Baby Suster

This is what my Desi tells me while I'm on the phone with MIL on Thursday. I had no idea what she was saying. I then realized she was saying Baby Sister. I ask her if she is going to have a baby sister. She replies with her enthusiastic "Yeah!" I ask her, "What about a baby brother?"
"No," she says pointedly. "Baby Suster."
I guess that settles it. We are having a girl. Anyone want to bid against her?

Love Song for Bobby Long

It's one of those movies that make you just sigh with emotions. I have always imagined a life full of music. My life is a soundtrack. I want my children to grow up with fond memories of going to shows and just sitting around while someone plays the guitar, making up silly songs about life, songs dripping with the human soul, or just songs about nothing. There is something about the guitar and the human voice that just moves me. It makes me want to fall in love all over again. It reminds me to breathe, to smell the air, kiss my daughter, and make love to my husband. It makes me cry, dance and laugh. It will inspire me to fight for my beliefs.

The songs in the movie reminded me of something my friend Johann would sing. His songs never fail to rouse the life inside of me. Sometimes, I forget to feel. My life becomes so mundane and I become numb. Listening to him, all your senses are revitalized. He usually plays in the local coffee shop. You remember to breathe in the fresh ground coffee. As you sip your wine, you savor each drop. You roll you fingertips together just to have the sensation of skin touching skin. It's sensation overload, you have to close your eyes to take it all in. I miss that. I want my children to know that.

You can blare Nina Simone on your computer, sit in the dark sipping wine. But, you cannot feel the emotions emitting from her. There is nothing like watching a musician sing her soul to you.

There are storm chasers. I chase storms, but my storms play an instrument.

Confronting fear

A woman on my hombirth board posted this:

Confronting fear
Birth is the strongest force a woman normally experiences. If there is harmony with this force, your body and mind will enter into a different state, one that surrenders totally to natural forces. The face loses self consciousness; it is a quiet state, gentle and profound. Sometimes I think the ease of a birth has to do with complete surrender to nature; an acceptance of being part of something greater than the individual self, like a beautiful spring, or the first heavy rains, or the sounds and rhythms of the sea.
Labour and birth are a matter of believing, trusting, and listening to your instincts - a matter of getting close enough to yourself and to the information you are receiving. I do not mean to de-emphasise the importance of coaches during labour. I simply do not think that they can do it for you because they can't. Their support and love vibrations are invaluable and make it possible for more than just yourself to share in this most beautiful act of love, the joyful bringing forth of new life! Tune into labour. Unfold your inherent birth knowledge. Use your own rhythm, get behind it and don't have your mind in any time dimension except the present. Don't slip into the past and don't rush into the future. Accept each contraction one at a time just as you accept the sun rising each morning, without a question, one day at a time.
A factor in labour is the intense sensation. It is beyond the expectations of anyone who has never given birth. This intense sensation is simply a part of the whole, and when theres no fear, it simply is. It is nothing to be afraid of, nothing to waste your energy fighting against.
By Raven Lang.

Sick again!

My poor baby. She woke up coughing and threw up some mucus. I guess her stomach was empty. She ate a bit of breakfast, but threw that up. I just don't want her getting sick. She is small enough as it is already. I don't want her to lose anymore weight!

My heart hurts today

I feel so guilty for feeing sad too. I know of mothers who lose their children, or children who feel abandoned by their parents. I just miss Wasabi so much. I miss his little yawns that he used to do to greet us when we come home. The whole time we're home, he never yawned, but there was always his special yawn. He would continue to let his presence known until we greeted him.
I loved how he was all about Desmina. Everything that was hers he would want to snuggle in.


We came home one day, and he was nestled in her bouncer seat.
For Christmas, Mina got an Elmo chair. Wasabi managed to fit his fat rear end in her little chair. I never got to take pictueres though.


He loved to give her kisses.

He loved to steal her food.


He loved to snuggle with her.


He loved to snuggle with me.


He loved to snuggle with his Daddy.



Every she went, so did he...even though she didn't want him around.


And she would follow him everywhere he went.


He was our baby.

Forget the product!

She has a fixation with peanut shells. Every time we get a box filled with it she will crawl inside just to get her little hands on them. I suppose she likes the sensation of it between her hands. Maybe it's the crunch it makes. One time someone sent a box big enough for her to swim in peanut shells. She was in heaven. My theory on her love of peanut shells is that she is drawn to whatever makes a mess.
She tried crawling in the box, but this didn't make quite a mess. The shells stayed in the box. No fun.

What's the best way to get the shells out of the box?
Fred and I were in the kitchen getting dinner ready and we could hear, "Jump! Jump! Mina Jumping!" She isn't jumping on her trampoline, we know that. She has now managed to get most of the peanuts on the floor. Success!

I broke her heart

when I told her that we had to return Obama to the library. She cried and asked "Go home Obama too!" She didn't cry this much for Wasabi when we had to say goodbye. She doesn't cry when her dad leaves for work. I don't think she even cried when Fred and I leave her with Nana. But she cries for a man she only knows from a picture and maybe a few scattered videos.

The only way I could calm her down was to show him his pictures on his website.
She was being so darn cute, singing "Happy Birthday Bama," I had to share. I tried to get her attention away from the computer but as you can see she was intent on staring at his face. I think she is typing an email to him.

Ice won't keep us in

It has been below zero for the past few days. One day last week it warmed up to 20 degrees, but it was raining ice so we had to stay inside.




I have been watching the temp, hoping that it would go up. It finally did...to 5 a No windchill factor so I dressed Desi up in her snow gear. Winter moms know that dressing a toddler for ten minutes in the snow is like a doctor preparing for surgery. First I have to convince her that she should really put on a diaper. Luckily, her colored diapers are clean. She chose sea green. Then comes the many many layers. Tights, pants, undershirt, sweater, ski pants and finally the big ass jacket.



She colored her heart out on the ice. It's a nice use for dried out markers. The snow reactivates them. I have a whole bag of these markers. I just leave them downstairs so that we can grab them when I want some sanity. I get to breathe without a toddler grabbing onto my extremities and she gets her art time.



Even though we probably spent more time getting her ready, it was still well worth it. No struggle with naptime. She even went to sleep earlier, and woke up later. I got to nap and browse the computer. I should have been cleaning, but I am turning a blind eye to the pile of laundry that needs to be folded.

Hungry?

More Obama Obsession

Yesterday he announced his intentions to run for election. I actually did not hear about this until later last night. Apparently, Desmina heard the news. She hasn't asked about the book for several days. Last night however, she was jumping on her trampoline and wanted Bama to jump with her. She too the book and helped him jump up and down to the beat of "Popcorn" and then to "Sally Goes Round the Moon." She took a turn. Somehow I accidentally hit her cheek and she cried. Kisses always makes it feel better. I gave her kisses on her cheek and she then asked Obama to do it and put her cheek to his face. I took a picture, but dumbass me deleted it and moved it to the trash can.

Breastfeeding is offensive

I get tired of hearing this. I hate it when people tell me that I shouldn't do that. Yes, it has happened before. I have been asked to leave because Starbucks is a family environment. Desi was in the sling and nursing at the time. She was covered up by the tail. If you weren't gawking, you wouldn't be able to tell she was nursing.
Starbucks is family friendly, yet they sell magazines that show the same amount of breasts if not more than me!
I'm thankful for not having boobs thrown in my face all the time by offensive and indecent breastfeeding mothers like the ones below.





wait... well, this is a bad example. let's try again...



hmmm... just a minute. surely i can find better ones than these...




eh... still not racey enough. i'll check one more time.



thats better. LOOK AT THAT! i see about an inch of boob! totally disgusting.



ugh! look at that indecency!! she must be from some third world country to be exposed like that!!



now thats just... there's no words to describe how innappropriate that is. something needs to be done!!














but why stop at breastfeeding women? there are boobs everywhere. beware! if you thought the above photos were offensive, you WILL DEFINATELY be offended by the photos below.



















not this one, tho. this was in plain view on newstands and in mailboxes in 19 countries worls wide!




not this one either. this one actually won an award!



oh, and i guess this ones fine too, since everyone knows you can't sell jeans without someone being topless.



or beer, for that matter!



or sunglasses.




or movie tickets.



or CDs...



















you know what? maybe i'm crazy, but i think that someone mixed up some photos here. the first batch are offensive, but the second batch are just fine and dandy???




















people who live in glass bras:



shouldn't throw stones:





if you think women have the right to breastfeed their children no matter where they are, please repost this. you've reposted jokes, surveys and the whore-train. support breastfed babies and their right to eat in public.

My thanks to Adrianna who shared this forward with me.

There is a new midwife in town!

Friday while I was in my warrior position, Desmina went up to me and put the microphone up to my belly to hear the baby. I never realized that she paid that much attention during the midwife visits. She then did it to her a doll. Of course I had to stop doing my yoga session to get a picture, instead of catching her with the doll I caught her listening to her own belly.

RIP Wasabi

The worst case scenario came. We didn't want him to suffer. His liver was shot and they couldn't stop the bleeding.

Gorilla was one of Wasabi's favorite toys. He will be stuffed with Wasabi's ashes so that Wasabi will always have his Gorilla.




Wasabi,
You gave us your best years of your life and in return, we gave you our best.
Every day we spent with us, you gave us love. You died knowing our love for you is strong. You will not be forgotten. You will always be loved.
Goodbye, goodnight and good luck my special one.

Damn

Wasabi's red blood cells are still low. It's at 18%. Yesterday it was at 20 something percent. He is still losing blood. They think it's gastrointestinal now. They will do the last of the blood this morning and we have to make a decision tonight if we ant to take him to the emergency vet in Concord. He needs to be generating his own blood cells. Problem is that he is losing blood so I don't know if he isn't generating or if it's because he is losing blood.
I don't even want to think what the other option is.

More on Wasabi

This was shot the day before yesterday. It's hard to believe how much energy he had that day and then seeing him so sick last night.



Wasabi is home now. He will go in to the vet again tomorrow for more blood. They are doing it a little at a time so that they won't hurt his little body.
He seems to be doing much better. He tried to run into the room after he heard Desmina crying. I don't know if he thought she was laughing and he wanted to play or if he wanted to make sure she was okay. He was still hooked to the IV so Fred had to stop him.

It's good to see him improving no matter how little it was. I admit, I was hoping for a big drastic change. I will take what I can get. I hope that he made it through the hardest part. I don't think I can relax until I know 100% and then give me another week.

Sorry that my blog is consumed about Wasabi right now. He is always on my mind. I am glad that we didn't make any weekend plans. I am not comfortable leaving him home alone right now.

Wasabi update

Wasabi made it through the night. I do not know if he is getting better; I can't tell. Fred took him to the vet this morning. The vet said that Wasabi was cold, but he set up a heating pad and now he is comfortable. Wasabi needed a blood transfusion. I think the tech's dog is going to donate. The vet told us that they are unsure how well the transfusion is going to go. There is a slight risk because although they may have the same blood type, there is another factor they aren't able to check like they can in humans. Wasabi needs the blood though. He lost a lot of blood last night in his stools. The vet thinks that this will help Wasabi feel better. If Wasabi improves, we may get to take him home for the night.
My stomach is knotted from crying all night. If I think too much about it, I start crying again.

My Poor Wasabi.

We had to take Wasabi to the vet today. Fred was putting Desmina's nighttime diaper on her. He came into her bedroom and found a lethargic Wasabi lying next to her trampoline with two huges piles of vomit. I ran to him and cuddled him in my arms. He felt so limp next to me. I tried to stand him on his feet, but he would collapse down on the floor. His breathing was labored and his tounge all pale.

Now usually his tongue is sticking out to the side, but there is some life to it. It looks very limp compared to how it usually is. I love his snaggle tooth and how his tongue hand out.

Fred was at the vet for three hours. They gave Wasabi an IV to hydrate him, chest X-rays and blood samples. The test came back with something wrong with his liver. The numbers were off the chart says the vet. Fred let me talk to the vet,whhich was not reassuring. He couldn't tell me how high of toxicity Wasabi's liver is at. I asked about his prognosis. Vet was unsure and that we have to wait a few days. If Wasabi gets better progressively over the next few days, then there is a good chance he will make it. Of course there is the negative side. The vet said that there is a chance that he may die. When I heard these words, I could hear nothing else. I am hoping that he is just giving me the worst case scenario. You know doctors.

Wasabi came home with an IV. We are taking turns staying with him to monitor. Right now he is snoring. I think that is a good sign because it shows that his breathing is getting stronger.
He drank some water which is another good sign and when I went to bed he tried to follow me. So he is able to get up. Do you think it's okay to get my hopes up now?

Wasabi is my baby. Fred and I got him together. We have had him for four years now. It will be five in September. I want to see him and Desi grow up together. I want Desi to have fun Wasabi memories. She adores Wasabi.
I have thought about what it would be like to get another dog. I cannot imagine another dog ever replacing Wasabi. He is the best doge ever. He is so great with Desmina, very patient. I cannot imagine any dog being as loving and patient with her. He is so cuddley. I cannot imagine any dog being as huggable.

Let's hope for the best for our Wasabi.

Verdict is in

My daughter has a hole in her stomach. Tonight as her appetizer she had 1/4 avocado, couple pieces of mango and chips. Ten minutes later dinner is ready. She Hoovers a whole burrito (the big sized tortillas), rice, chips and guacamole. She has now eaten a Cyn sized meal. If you guys know me, you know how much I can put in. But today Desi has me beat, she is now eating a bowl of cereal.

Head, shoulders knees and toes

and penises and vaginae!
Ever since we taught Desmina what that was hanging on Wasabi, she has been obsessed. For the longest time she thought she had a penis too. She still thinks she still has a tail, so I wasn't too worried. I kept telling her that she does not have a penis, but a vagina. She knows now that girls have vaginae and boys have penises. She still mistakes belly button outies for penises, but we are one step closer.

Yesterday, we were talking about her bear. She told me that the bear had a penis. I told her that the bear doesn't have a penis. She then concluded that the bear must have a "jī'nə."

Angel Babies

One of the women from my pregnancy forum, had her baby. He passed before they had a chance to meet him. They knew that there was a chance that they would not get to meet him. She is an exceptionally strong and unselfish woman. She gave her son the gift of a chance of living. Josheph Angel, you are in my thoughts.

Who knows Cyn

Create your own friendquiz here

New layout

I worked on it all morning. It took me forever to get it the way I like it. I had to end up using HTML because I hate how the blog doesn't allow you to open a new window when you want to click on a new link. I wanted to add pictures to the headers, but I have no clue how to do that part. I tried. I guess I'm on the wrong template.

Midwife appointment

I had my midwife appointment. I think it's awesome that she has appointments on Sunday. It was a long appointment, since it was the initial intake. She asked basic family history question, took blood for the panel and the dreaded pelvic exam. It was a very nice appointment despite the pelvic exam. Good news is that I have a good pelvis for birthing babies.


We talked about the chances of my placenta being on my scar. It's a very slim chance, since the scar is so low. I just have to have an ultra-sound to confirm it. I hate to do it, but anything to give me a HBAC.

Afterwards, we went to an awesome Indian restaurant. The chutney was the best that I've ever had! It had the right amount of spice. Any Texan transport can tell you that New Hampshire is defintely lacking in the spice department. Salsa in New Hampshire is like ketchup to a Texan. House of India in Concord knows how to bring it. If you are ever in the area and love Indian you should check it out. The owners were very nice and even gave Desi a popsicle. Which if you guys know us, we do not allow her processed sugars. It was such a nice day outside. Nice New England weather. We allowed her to eat half and took pictures of her first processed popsicle. I'm glad I didn't have the nutritional information. I don't want to even imagine how much sugar it has.

"How much of this can I fit in my mouth?"




"Who wants to give me a kiss?"




The unicorn is Desmina's power animal

Twenty-eight months

It's hard to believe that I have been nursing for twenty-eight months. She has slept with me for twenty-eight months. I have held her in my moms for twenty-eight months. I have kissed her for twenty eight months. I have been a mom for twenty-eight months. She has been in my life for twenty-eight months. Desmina is twenty-eight months today.

Starting the day off with some breakfast. She had a waffle and soy yogurt.


My big girl!


Future shutterbug.


Walking the bridge.


What a perfect way to end a perfect walk.


That's my girl!