Ei, you challenged me yet again.
I remember the first time I heard the phrase, "turning over a new leaf." I was in fourth grade, I believe. We were rehearsing for a school play. One of the songs was about being on "easy street" was a myth and something about starting anew.
I am reminded that every day is a fresh start each time I see fallen leaves.
But what is the purpose of turning over a new leaf when the leaf falls from the same tree? It is not about renewal, like sheets of snow falling covering the old dirty snow. Underneath all that fresh snow, the past remains.
A tree can be shaped; its branches can be trimmed. Branches continue to grow to make new leaves. What branches grew for me for 2007? What branches can I trim?
This year's biggest lesson comes from
The Four Agreements. Don't take anything personally. My mother used to tell me over and over again that I was in charge of my emotions. I used to think she said this to blame me because my feelings were hurt. My reality is not theirs.
Pooh and
Noella lit my path to my home birth. Let things flow, remember to breathe, it's okay to lose control sometimes. Noella still reminds me just take life in. I don't find it ironic at all that she died on the Ides of March.
When Noella died, I kept reflecting on a particular night. I had a guy over. Noella came into my room crying. I held her as she cried while the guy sulked and eventually rolled over and went to sleep. I am glad that I chose Noella over him. I try to be a good friend to all my friends. Do you know the musical
Hedwig and the Angry Inch? There is song with the lyrics "I gave a piece to.." I feel like that sometimes. I will happily give pieces to my friends, but I cannot give away everything. I have to watch who I give to because one day, someone will take off and run.
Fred is my rock. He pushes me to the limits I didn't know I have and holds onto me when I need him most.
I learned to trust. I don't have always have to be strong. It's okay to surrender to life.
I am a mother. I may not be the mother I want to be. I lose my temper, I yell and I have hit in anger. I am ashamed to admit it, but I always let M know that I make mistakes too. Mommies and daddies have to say their are sorry too. I have swallowed my words. M has had more than enough popsicles, cupcakes and TV. Every day, I try to do better than the day before. Parenting a strong-willed toddler is like endurance training. Hell, parenting any child is like endurance training. At the end of the day, my children know that I love them. It is a promise I made to myself after I had M. My children will always know I love them.
I am still a messy person. I tried flylady. The only thing I learned from her is to make my bed, swish the loo, wipe down the sink and put on something nice in the morning. Despite that, I don't do that every day. I don't know if it's laziness or apathy. Maybe a little of both. Before I became a mother of two, M and I used to do all these neat little projects. Now she is lucky if she gets to paint or color. I am constantly collecting art supplies with the intentions of doing fun and creative pieces with her.
I am still superstitious. Have you ever seen
A Very Long Engagement? I play that game as well: "If the bird lands on the tree that means I'll get my wish." I eat my fortune cookie before reading my fortune. I knock on wood, throw salt over my shoulder, try not to jinx myself by speaking too soon, look for symbolism in the mundane, and wish on falling stars.
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